Who wrote these 87 pieces of BS?

I found this on another Vox blog here and I wonder how appropriate some of this is.

You know you’re Chinese when:

1. You look like you are 18 years old.—Hmm. I looked 18 when I was, well, 18.

2. You like to eat chicken feet.—Of course, totally normal.

3. You suck on fish heads and fish fins.—I suck at eating them, or literally suck on them? The former is true. Can’t stand bony stuff. No idea why this is particularly Chinese.

4. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging on your rear view mirror.—What? No.

5. You sing karaoke.—No, that’s the Japanese more. They invented it.

6. Your house is covered with tile.—No. And not even in Hong Kong.

7. Your kitchen is covered by a sticky film of grease.—No.

8. Your stove is covered with aluminium foil.—Underneath the elements, but again this is not distinctively Chinese, surely.

9. You leave the plastic covers on your remote control.—No.

10. You’ve never kissed your Mom or Dad.—What? Who writes this BS? Of course I’ve kissed my parents.

11. You’ve never hugged your Mom or Dad.—As I said, who writes this BS? Some racist whose only impression of Chinese people is an episode of Bonanza?

12. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.—No.

13. You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your “Coke bottle” glasses.—No.

14. You’ve worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.—No. Apart from that fact I don’t know how old fifth grade is, but it sounds awful young. I wore glasses from age 13.

15. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.—A little, but it’s usually too short to do that.

16. You’ll haggle over something that is not negotiable.—No. Again, stereotype. Again, my suspicion of some racist writing these BS positions.

17. You love to use coupons.—I wouldn’t call it love. I call it practical. If you have a coupon and can save a bit, wouldn’t you? And why is this distinctively Chinese behaviour?

18. You drive around looking for the cheapest petrol.—I know where the cheapest petrol is.

19. You drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.—No way. I know when the parking gods aren’t on my side.

20. You take showers at night!—More often than in the day. Anyone remember that Palmolive Gold ad in New Zealand with the white couple where the guy had to shower at night?

21. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.—Of course, especially if I can go to a supermarket and get the same thing for a tenth of the price.

22. You don’t mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.—Yes I bloody well mind.

23. Most girls have more body hair than you, if you are male.—Um, no. Not in my experience.

24. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.—Yes, it’s only good manners. So the writer of these kept his eyes open at yum char. Well done. Better than having them closed. Or ramming chopsticks up your nostrils.

25. You say, ‘Aiya!’ and ‘Wah!’ frequently.—Define frequently. So, no.

26. You don’t want to wear your seat belt because it is uncomfortable.—BS.

27. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.—No.

28. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can re-use the paper.—No. I tear into it. If it’s that plasticky type of gift-wrap that’s hard to tear, then I might be more careful. If I can reuse paper, I do. Again, why is this particularly Chinese?

29. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50 per cent off.—Of course. And I have enough to last me a decade. Why not buy 10 for 40¢?

30. You have a vinyl table-cloth on your kitchen table.—No.

31. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table.—No.

32. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.—OK, I have old stuff in there. So does Homer Simpson. Last time I looked, he wasn’t Chinese, though he is yellow.

33. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.—Don’t have a dishwasher.

34. You have never used your dishwasher.—Don’t have a dishwasher.

35. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.—Not a Thermos, but I do keep some boiled water in a jug, and some cooled boiled water in a bottle. A good habit to get into, as I discovered while travelling.

36. You eat all meals in the kitchen.—No, that’s what dining rooms are for.

37. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.—Grocery bags, yes; no to the other two. Bags are good to put rubbish in for the recycling collection day. Again, not exclusively Chinese.

38. You have a piano in your living room.—No.

39. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).—No. I thought in no. 36 we all ate in kitchens?

40. You twirl your pen around your fingers.—No. Again, did the writer of these just know maybe one Chinese person who did this and surmised that the other billion do this?

41. You hate to waste food.—Of course.

42. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.—No.

43. You don’t own any real Tupperware only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take-out containers and jam jars.—I own real Tupperware. I do have some take-out containers, which I save up and give to people I know who run take-out joints. It’s called being environmentally conscious.

44. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.—Who the f*** does this? Seriously. Who?!

45. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.—A few, but then I get samples at work. I certainly don’t take the hotel’s.

46. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes). These snacks are always dried and include dried plums, mango, ginger, and squid.—No. The writer has obviously never been to New Zealand.

47. You wash your rice at least two to three times before cooking it.—A couple of times: a wash, then two rinses.

48. Your Dad thinks he can fix everything himself.—And he can.

49. The dashboard of your Honda is covered by hundreds of small toys.—I’m Chinese. That means I don’t have a Japanese car because of WWII, just like how some Frenchies don’t have a German car for the same reason (though I know a Jewish guy with a Merc). I do have great Japanese friends so my beef is not with individuals: I am just making a statement on behalf of my own kind. And why would some nut put toys inside his car like that? Stereotype.

50. You don’t use measuring cups.—Yes I do. I have a lovely orange plastic set.

51. You beat eggs with chopsticks.—Yes.

52. You have a teacup with a cover on it.—No. I thought white folks do this. Yes, all white folks. No, it depends on the person, surely.

53. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling information costs 50 cents.—Not always, but if I can save 50¢, why not? I’d rather Google a number or look it up. It’s actually quicker than trying to spell something to someone who can’t speak English.

54. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.—No.

55. If you are male, you clap at something funny and if you are female, you giggle whilst placing a hand over your mouth.—Clap? No, more a slap on my own thigh if it’s really good. Again: who writes this shit?

56. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions.—Yeah, duh. Like how French people like French films in their original undubbed versions. Like how English people like English films in their original undubbed versions.

57. You love Chinese martial arts’ films.—No more than any other genre. There are some crap ones out there. Again: stereotype.

58. You’ve learnt some form of martial arts.—Some basics. Mostly to give writers of stereotyped BS an ass-whooping.

59. Shaolin actually means something to you.—No more than anyone else who knows it.

60. You like congee with thousand-year-old (century) eggs.—I like congee; eggs, depends.

61. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached.—Ew, no.

62. You never call your parents just to say hi.—Bollocks. When I travel, I always call my Dad. When my mother was alive, I called.

63. If you don’t live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you’ve eaten, even if it’s midnight.—OK, they do do this. Because they care.

64. When you’re sick, your parents tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods due to 热气.—Of course: fundamental health principle. Actually, this is one thing where I am surprised that there is no western equivalent.

65. You know what 热气 is.—Uh, duh. I’m Chinese.

66. You email your Chinese friends at work, even though you only 10 ft apart.—What? I used to have some white students who did this, even when they sat behind one another. So I could summarize that all whites do this, like the writer of these points who probably knew two Chinese who did this.

67. You use a face cloth.—Yes. And, miraculously, I use it on my face.

68. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat places.—BS.

69. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics.—Jewellery, probably; electronics, probably not.

70. You save your old “Coke bottle” glasses even though you’re never going to use them again.—There this writer goes again, about “Coke-bottle” glasses. First, my eyesight was never that bad. I do save old glasses, but I paid good money for them. My father does, too, and he’s been able to reuse his frames.

71. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.—Yes. So I can use it on people who write stereotypical cobblers.

72. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.—Yes. Again, I know some people of other races who do this.

73. You know what moon cakes are.—Duh, yes.

74. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.—I buy stuff on special, but I do that with most things. I bought two packs of 16 once.

75. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.—What?

76. You iron your own shirts.—Sometimes, not all the time.

77. You play a musical instrument.—Yes. I guess this is so Chinese in the minds of the original writer.

78. Even if you’re totally full, if someone says they’re going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you’ll finish them.—Who am I? Joey Tribbiani?

79. You’ve eaten a red bean popsicle.—No.

80. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people’s homes.—Has happened.

81. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.—Yes. Good manners.

82. You majored in something practical like engineering, accounting, medicine or law.—I did a law degree, so I couldn’t not major in law, right?

83. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you’re married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighbourhood.—I lived with my folks when I was 30, or, more accurately, Dad lived with me. And this is exclusively Chinese why? And this is unusual because …? I can again name you people of other races who are equally close to their parents.

84. You don’t tip more than 10 per cent at a restaurant, and if you do, you tip Chinese delivery guys or waiters more.—I typically tip 15 per cent if I were to tip, regardless of the server’s race.

85. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.—No.

86. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don’t eat the last piece of food on the table.—Yes.

87. You know why there are 88 reasons.—There aren’t. There are only 87 on this list.

   Conclusion: the original author maybe knew two Chinese people who exhibited some of these traits and reckoned they might just extend it to a billion people. Dumbass. Being generous, I probably could check off 30 of the above. Out of a billion-plus, there’s probably more chance of differences than in a nation of a few million. I found some of these ignorant, which is probably why I did it: to show that no race can be summarized in a few stereotypical points.